the company i seek

it's the eve of the lunar new year today. delicious food and great company.

my dearest buddy by the name of ong jiefang brought 3 ntuc sized plastic bags fulled with food to my house in the afternoon. oh my! she had overestimated my family's appetite. how were we supposed to finish the food that could last us for 2 days within a meal? anyway, the sea cucumber dish was heavenly. i loved the sauce. i must go your house one day and ask you dad to teach me how to cook so that my parents will stop bugging at me to learn cooking.

when the 2 of us come together in a lazy afternoon, nothing good will happen. today was no exceptional. we started playing with my make up set. haha. let me see. some of you might be thinking that we are vain right? but wait! dont jump into conclusions that easily. we dont apply make up whenever we go out. if the occasion calls for it, we are left with no choice. so we are not vain. we are still in the process of learning how to put on make up. to me, learning it is a must because sooner or later, i will have to do that when i enter the workforce. i dont want to panic and freak the hell out of me when the occasion arrives. remember the guide's motto - be prepared. =)

reunion dinner arrives!! yeah! that's the best part of the day. i love food. the reunion dinner i had this year tasted or rather felt different as compared to the other years. i could feel the sense of closeness within our family after so many unfortunate events had happened in the previous month. i am glad that everything is settled and has become history. my brother bought red wine. yeah! karen loves drinking. the red wine he bought was the one i love. remember the one you tried at my house jiefang? the bottle is not done yet. my next target is the japanese mei jiu. i haven tried it before. dont know what it tastes like although goi said it sucks. my mother's and brother's face turned red immediately after sipping the red wine. even their ears were red too. they were not drunk. just that their blood circulation is strong.

i am quite sad to know that some of my friends dont know there is such a thing called shou ye. when the children shou ye, they are wishing their parents to live till a ripe old age. that's an act of filial piety. is the traditional chinese customs fading into the background? i am not a very traditional person. it is due to my passion for history. i love the chinese culture. i am hungry for the knowledge. i want to know the past. i even had the urge to read the full version of the romance of the three kingdom after playing fate of the dragon. i want the essence of the past to be passed on. it's good to know your roots to have a sense of identity. i want to have something to reply on when i am living in a materialistic and realistic society. i need to know the true me.

"dont hesitate to ask for help"

it's here before you know

the long cny weekend is finally here. i was given an hour earlier knock off time today but it was pretty useless for me. in the end, i left the office only a few minutes before my official knock off time. dont think too deep into things. i am not the most hardworking staff around. instead, i was in the lazy and slacker mood today. i dun feel like moving much or doing sorting today. i was damn sleepy. i slept on my way to work, during the last half an hour of my lunch and on my way back. my workload is not tiring me yet. i guess i have to re adjust my body clock.

after this holiday, i have to waited again till april for the next public holiday. what a long wait. i am hoping for a break everyday. what about you? what have you been hoping for your life? i hope for good health. i wish to have happiness. simple isnt? however, the more simple my wish is, the harder it can be granted. for instance good health. bascially i just have to watch what i eat and exercise regularly. dont talk to me about the food pyramid to a anti green veg person like me. i attempted to taste some veg but they were horrible beyond words. i told myself to try to exercise more, especially now i am doing a office job but my body refuses to move. how am i supposed to have good health by leading a junk life?

may all my wishes come true.

POSITIVE

it's amazing the way i think can affect the rest of my day. i am not suffering from the monday blues when i woke up this morning. i told myself that today will definitely be a much better day and it did happen. although i am still doing the same old monotone sorting of the documents, i dont feel that the work is dragging me to hell, which is good.

one of my JC tutors said this before, "look at the mirror when you wake up in the morning and tell your reflection how you want to live your day". when i heard that, i doubted its usefulness. today, i changed my stand. i should continue to do that more often and my life may be well spent. dont complain that life is short because everything has a beginning and end. it's not the quantity but the quality that matters. live life with a purpose! stay hopeful because being able to wake up in the next morning is a bliss. i am able to take in a fresh breath of air because i am here to make an impact. create miracles i shall. =)

ps/ i realise my previous entries are damn depressing. that's so sickening!

"peace, happiness, hope"

RANDOM

why do people only learn to appreciate when they have lost it once before? why do we have to learn our lessons in the hard way? why dont i learn to feel contented? the situation is taking a good change. i am unsure if it is due to the festive mood or it is a genuine make up. i dont want to be deceived anymore. i want to see, hear and most importantly feel the truth. i dont want to crash my hopes anymore. or maybe i am thinking too much and too deep into matters. the worst thing is i could be complicating matters and creating headaches for myself. is it time for me to let down my defence and embrace everyone into my new life? i want to try to re adapt but that incident is still there.

"the pen's lighter than the spade"

WORKING

working for the past 6 days makes me appreciate school life more, not exactly the school but the company and the tiny little bits here and there. school is the second most forgiving place on earth. usually you are given a second chance or a warning before immediate action is carried out. unfortunately it does not happen in the working world. when you fail to meet the quota set by the boss, you just have to face the music. sorry is never sufficient. you have to promise to make things work and keep true to them. you ought to work ur butt off to meet the deadlines set by your boss. i was shocked when i asked my team leader told me my working place does not have a closing time. there were some cases when perm staff actually worked till the early morning, go home to bathe and went back to work at 6am. that's pure maddness! dont they have to rest? overtime seems to be a must do thing for all the perm staff at my working place. if you fail to do that, prepare ear plungs or a box.

some think that school is the most horrible place to be in because of all the bitchings and backstabbing going on. you have not seen the real world yet. when things go wrong, nobody will step out and admit their mistakes. they will just try their very best to push all the blame to the others in the project. even if they have to bear the responsibility for the failure, they wont go down alone. they will drag someone down to accompany them to enjoy the mess they have created. although everyone is working for the same company, i can clearly see a clear difference between the departments. different departments are treated differently. i dont know why. it could be based on the amount of revenue the department brings in or its efficiency. what a destroyed place i am in now.

i miss the company, the good old friends and funny and boring tutors. i miss the cheap and delicious canteen food. i miss rushing to all the breaks because i am constantly feeling hungry. i miss all the PEs lessons. i want to go back to the good old days when i was still a student.

i find myself quite a hard to be satisfied person. when i was schooling, i remembered i was complaining about the tons of work to do everyday, the boring lectures and irritating exams. i wish i can start my working life soon. and now, here i am, working for the next few months before i go back to my student life. i got my wish granted but i am still grumbling. what on earth do i actually want? am i that not easy to be contented with what i have now? stop complaing can i! start to appreciate the tiny bits in my life before they are gone.

"cherish and treasure"

SATURDAY

friends around me are getting sick of work, starting to appreciate the school days more. i am not suffering from the working disease yet because i had offically worked for a day only. many are looking forward to fridays and finally weekends to get away from the monotone work and to hang around with old friends. others may look forward to after work activites because it seems like it is the only time besides weekends to meet up with friends. is that considered as bad because you does not love your work and when that happens, you seldom put in your 101% in doing the work?

i dont think so. actually life is very boring. we all need rewards and incentives to make us work harder and better. that's why parents usually praise their children if possible because it makes them feel good about themselves and motivate them to do even better in the future. it's good to have something to look forward to in life, which makes it more hopeful. i am looking forward to my first pay day although the pay is qte miserable considering i will be working for half a month only. i cant wait for my april/may japan tour and my june thailand shopping trip. i am desperate to get my first car. let's continue to keep our hopes high. =)

i hate it when people crashed my hopes. you lift me up into the sky and drag me down to hell the next moment. how am i supposed to react to the sudden change? i want to remain hopeful in life. i am supposed to be a optimistic person. i dont want to see anger always burning in my eyes. i want to treat people with respect and gain respect in return. i just want to lead a happy life.

ichiban boshi rocks especially with the funng manager around.

"anger management manages anger"

.first day at work.

friday the thirteen. unlucky day. i was late on my first day of work. screw it! when one's life is messed up, nothing goes smoothly. i know it is a MUST to be punctual for work especially on the first day cos the first impression counts. i could not help it. luck wasnt on my side this morning. i had estimated my travelling time wrongly. the traffic was heavy and the bus practically stopped at every bus stops all the way to my working place. after moving off from the bus stop, it had to stop cos of the red traffic light. ARGH! traffic was crawling. i called my in charge and left a voice message cos she was too busy to be bothered with a late comer. when i arrived at my work place, i explained to her honestly cos honesty is the best policy. i was afraid that she would reprimand me in front of the thousands pairs of gossipy eyes but it did not happen. although nothing nasty happened to me for the rest of the day, i am sure today will leave a pretty lasting impression of me on her.

it's good for me to be at work cos it distracts me. i have made a choice. it's not the best decision. it is sort of finalized and i just have to stay through with it. give me strengtht to breathe again.

"DONT BE LATE AGAIN"

.buzz off.

i am freaking pissed off now. i regret writing the few recent entries. why the hell am i doing and thinking???? they dont deserve anything from me at all. appreciate them more? f off. i am sorry. my attitude towards them now is just hatred. why all the bullshit? thanks for being such a mean and stingy person to everyone. we do not owe you a living. i want to get out of this damn filty freaking place. i want to leave. i know escaping is not the best and the only solution to problems. all i know is that i will be able to breathe and think like a normal person outside. stop forcing me. stop giving me crap. i have enough of everything for the past 18 years. if you want to give me more, buzz off. i dont welcome you at all. i dont wish to see you at all. the sight of you makes me want to puke everything i have eaten for all my life. you just suck, seriously. i have lost all my damn respect for you. u will receive none from me. nothing from me in the future at all. i will be independent. i am not going to live off you anymore. i have enough. just stop giving me false hope and creating illusions in my head. i hate it when my hopes are dashed. you enjoy seeing people crying right? fine i will grant you your wish and cry all i want until i go blind. isnt that great? i wont be able to witness the cruel reality of the shit i am in now. you told me before you tried very hard to build everything from scratch. but you destroyed everything with a non living thing within a night? why do you become so heartless and inhumane? i thought you should have learnt your lesson in the most painful way anyone can endure. why cant you just mend your ways and be nice. i thought everything is finally over. but what the f. i was wrong. one comes after another. you think i am a bloody strong isnt? you think i can handle a blow after another. well, yes i am. i am going to endure all the shit and spit it back into your face. thanks for all the memories and making my childhood and teenhood such a wonderful experience. why on earth am i able to buy such experiences? non living thing???? you actually choose the damn non living things over the feelings of others. damn you! all you care about is yourself and damn non living things. bring all the shit to your grave. i dont care much about them. yesyes, you did everything because you are still angry. you cant think calmly and properly. f off. i thought a day is enough for you to sort out your thoughts but why is the situation not improving at all? it gets worses and i am sure it will be not much better in the next few days. you think you are the only one who is suffering in silence? hello!!!!!!!!! wake up!!!!! who is the victim here? who inflicts all the pain in me and everyone else?

i just want to get out of this place. how i wish i am working now. i will have the financial ability to make my both ends meet. i will be able to do anything that i like because i will be officially an adult. cant stand a moment in here with you. i am tired of pretending that everything is fine. i am exhausted.

.hopeful.

we have more or less opened up to one another. i am not sure if that talk would be of any help but i sincerely hope that you can listen to the advice and get well soon. just dont attempt to break their hearts again.

had a drink and a long chat with my dad just now. although he can be a pest to everyone in the house sometimes, he has this lovely side and he is by no doubt the pillar of support in my family. we drank tiger beer classic together. oh my!!! i love that a lot. most beers will leave a bitter after taste but there isnt any for this beer. i asked him if i can learn driving next month. his response wasnt a straight no but i could sense that he discouraged me from doing so. he felt it would be a waste of time, effort and money if i dont drive after i obtain my license. i can use my brother's car! he objected. my brother's car is a sports car. it will be very hard for newbies to drive his car. moreover, it is a totally different experience to drive alone in the car and to drive with the instructor beside me. disappointed. it seems like my chances of learning driving before my university starts is diminished. although he ended off by saying the decision is still with me but usually after similar talks, i will choose to go along with him. weak am i?

yesterday, i threw away a used to be an important gift. it is not that i dont treasure it anymore. it is kinda destroyed and i dont want it to remind me of the past anymore. it is a history and let's move on in life.

"listen to me and you wont be wrong"

.selfish.

Man is selfish. these teachings of being consideration, cares for others and put onself into other's shoes have all gone to waste when Man is pushed to desperation. you claim that external factors such as the environment drive you to the corner, not giving you ample space to breathe. is it true that stress is one of the causes for desperation? unknowingly, this stress is from yourself. steess is the negative force that banishes all the happy thoughts from your mind. optimism turns into pessimism. hope becomes depression. everyone in the world appears to be plotting against you, wanting to make you vanish from the surface of the earth. the four corners are moving closer and closer to you. you want to shout but nobody hears you. you want to escape but your limbs refuse to move. you start to push all the blame to everyone around you except yourself. you believe that you have received the worst treatment on earth. you feel like a abandoned child. you start to think about yourself only. you do not bother about the consequences of your action. you refuse to spare a thought for those who are left behind to clear up the mess you have created. you are convinced that escape is the only and best solution to the stress you are facing now. we tried to talk to you but you refuse to open up. you behave as if everything is fine. you refuse to show us the true you. we do not know what is happening behind the closed door. how should we help? every single move you take, we pay close attention to it. do you understand the pain and sufferings we have to go through when you are in such a state? stop behaving in this way! i am losing all my respect for you.

life has its own ups and downs. i heard of this phrase before. in life, it is not the ups that make it meaningful, it is how you recover from the downs that makes the impact in your life. we face failures in our lives, including me. why cant people just accept failures and move on in life? is it a very difficult thing to do? i understand the lack of drive and passion that comes along with a failure. i know people will feel despair. make it short. swallowing in self pity does not do any good to you and the people around you physically and mentally. start to make things happen in your way to feel better. take the proactive approach to tackle failures. isnt it better?

i tried to talk to you but you refuse to tell me anything. you keeps emphasizing you are stressed and stressed and stressed. i may not understand the pain you are going through fully because i am not you. i refuse to comprehend you anymore because i am getting impatient with you. i feel unjustified for them. after all these years, they receive such treatment from you. it's not fair to them! stop thinking about yourself. even if you dont feel anything towards me, think about them.

this is a horrible way to start the brand new year.

"positive energy inspires people"

.modernized.

i was sitting by the window on the bus. suddenly i felt a sharp pain in my head. what was happening to me? i thought i was going to faint any moment because i have history of fainting before. i looked out of the window again and the pain worsened. ouch! was i suffering from living-in-a-too-modernised-place syndrome? the never ending traffic frightened me. the high rise buildings were going to gobble me. the traffic lights were changing at the speed of light. for the first time in my life, i am getting sick of the lifestyle i am in now. i start to detest the comfort and convenience i have. living in a modernized country does not seem to be a big deal to me anymore. i want to isolate myself from all the chaos here and give myself some moments of peace and quietness. i would not mind sitting at a cafe, drinking coffee or tea and reading my book away. i will not complain how slack my life is anymore. i will be contented if there is no work for me to do at all. why am i harbouring such thoughts now?

"let me free"

.sad separation.

most of my guys classmates are going to be enlisted in the next few hours. i will really miss them lots, as friends LAH!!!! all the fun, laughter, curses, niao-ing and talking sessions. thanks guys! must take good care of yourselves!

when we went on our separate ways just now, i realised how much this group of friends meant to me. they can be considered as the closest group of friends i had made in njc. we can talk about anything under the sun, seriously anything as random as goi's question. our futures, our studies, our lives, cursing teachers, problems blah blah blah. it's sad that we could not enjoy each other's company as long as before. we have work to do, report to camp, getting ready to be enlisted and slacking around. time has been the constraint. =( i am not complaining that time is insufficient. or rather, with the limited amount of time that i have with them, it makes me appreciate the friendship we have built more. =) i just hope that i will still meet up with all my friends in the future!

"make the best out of nothing"

.future.

i always hear people say that they will only settle down when they can see their future together. what if your future with the special someone is uncertain and bleak? you can foresee yourself getting worried and anxious almost everyday. will you still say yes? i just read the time traveler's wife.

a plot that i have never read before. jiefang had warned me beforehand that there will be many deaths towards the end of the book. actually only 2 characters died. that isnt many right? i vaguely remembered one of my friends who had read the book cried after reading it. true enough, i was close to tears when the main character died. rare to see me cry over a book right? i did not want him to go. i wanted him to stay with his family. even if he time traveled, he could still be with his family here and now sometimes. separation is definitely better than death.

i was influenced by my dad this afternoon. he spent the whole afternoon to spring clean the whole kitchen. he did everything by himself because i refused to help him. haha... no fear, my dad is a wonder dad. so i went back to my room and started to spring clean my room a little bit too. i went to the darkest corners in my room and realised how much dust i had accumulated over the years. i threw away many things. (how could you bear to throw them away? arent they of any sentimental value? watever!) i felt so much happier when one of the 4 corners was cleared. yeah!!! besides having a cleaner corner, i have a nose that leaks every single minute now. argh!!! i have a sensitive nose. so the dust has successfully irritated my nose and i am sneezing and blowing away until now. =(

have a better day tomorrow!

"here and now"

.life.

have you ever wondered how you should run your life? plan a few years ahead or take a step at a time? a brand new year and a totally refreshing experience. tomorrow is the first day of school for all students. hello!!! i am no longer a student because i have to pay adult transport fare. =( it's damn expensive!!! maybe i should start to take up walking as a new sports. haha.. anyway, i was talking to my dad the other day about my life for the next few months, and even more talkings about life with a few s14 friends today. what am i living for?

am i willing to make an impact in someone's life? i dont really have a big heart. maybe it is because i am more of a practical person than an emotional one which is the direct opposite of the sterotyped characteristic of a female. i am not a very sensitive person so i may have hurt my friends unintentionally sometimes. i am not a good listener especially when i am in the foul mood. i will either slam my door at you or nod my head repeatedly to pretend that i am listening. that's why my friends do not run to me most of the times when they need a shoulder to cry on. i am not that type of person who will whine and cry with them and comfort them after that. i think i am more of the type who make things happen, to seek solutions and make the situation better because i believe that whining and crying do not help to improve anything. remember that no matter what happens, life goes on. so might as well, use the time to solve the problem. time does not stop when you are in deep shit. with all the above mentioned characters, how am i supposed to leave footprints in others' hearts?

everyone wants to be loved. me too!! love from friends, family and the other half. i am glad that i have tons of wonderful friends. my family ties are getting stronger after i have graduated. oh my!!!! look at how my school had destroyed my family bond. i am happy that i am finally out of it. how about my other half? hmm... that can wait. i have more important things that i need to handle. i am not ready yet. i still want to enjoy my single life. the thrills of being single are addictive. i cant get it out of my mind, heart and soul. i am afraid of committments. i am not a party girl but i dont like the feeling of being tied down and restricted. i want to have freedom! i am afraid of getting involved in it. someone told me this before, girlfriends last longer than boyfriends. it's so true. i am not trying to be a wet blanket. if you have found your special someone, CONGRATES! you have my blessings. just a piece of advice, treasure every moments because they are special and unique. =)

here's a top 10 list of stuff and things i want to accomplish before i reach 30. =)

1. obtain my driving license and own a decent car
2. start working with a decent position(DUH!)
3. i can finally play the guitar
4. settle down and have my first child
5. obtain a fantastic degree (life is not all about studies but i need that paper to survive. realistic ya?)
6. earn big bucks that are able to support my retail therapies
7. still in contact with my beloved friends
8. family ties are going strong
9. have sufficient savings to back pack around Europe before my first child
10. to be mentally stronger

"life is about knowing yourself"

.new year.

i had a s14 gathering at glasshouse fish and co on the second last day of 2005. i was excited about it because it had been ages since i last met them and i had the chance to sit at the upper level of the glasshouse. haha. when we went in, i realised the upper floor wasnt as amazing as i thought. pretty normal. the food was ok. no raisins in the rice??? at the end of the day, a few of us went over to jaja's house for a stayover. we watched coach carter. it was a real life movie. pretty inspiring. this quote left the deepest impression on me.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

after that, we started playing card games. the 4 cards game that jaja taught us was damn exciting especially when we drew a King card. and we had learnt how to be peeping toms. oops... her dog, patchy is soooo cute. haha... i want to have a dog too. =)

in the end, only vince, wenhan, goi and i survived through the night. we left her house very early in the morning and ate breakfast. i slept from the moment i stepped into my house till 730pm just now. woah!!!! i had slept half of my last day of 2005 away.

it's finally 1st jan 2006. 2005 has been a pretty bad year for me. the pretty screwed up As, tea session with the vice principal, was close to dropping a subject, family stuff and inter personal relationships. all these crap are finally gone. let them be gone with the super duper heavy thunderstorm this afternoon. (how did i know when i was sleeping at that time? it was so heavy that it woke me up to close the windows in my room) i am just glad that it is finally over. i can only see myself 6 months from now. i will be working and my first day of work is 9 days away. i want to start to learn driving and guitar before my new school life begins. going on holidays with friends again. yeah!!!! that means i need to start saving all over again.

i want to stay happy and stop messing up my life. cheers everyone!

"embrace the new year"